Billy Connolly Quotes

A quotes list created by Lee Sonogan

A mural of Billy Connolly on a gable wall in Glasgow to mark his 75th birthday

Sir Billy Connely is a famous person from Scotland who has a legacy of any famous comedian appealing to the mainstream and independent media. Aside from appearing in many movies mashing observational, blue and musical humour together makes him stand out from the rest. From stage presence to the pure words below you, somewhat self-deprecating; he strings sentences together like no other.

  • “Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on.”
  • “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”
  • “There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.”
  • “I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.”
  • “Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was ‘How are you getting on?’”
  • “I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”
  • [On morphine suppositories] “You’ll end up with your arse between your shoulder blades.”
  • “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!”
  • “I get claustrophobic easily and I don’t get why aeroplane toilets don’t f***ing have windows. I mean it’s not as if anyone can f***ing see in. Unless of course you are the most determined pervert in the world.”
  • “A fart is just your arse applauding.”
  • “I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.”
  • “When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?”
  • “All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.”
  • “When something is ‘new and improved!’ which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.”
  • “I don’t like Born Again Christians. I’m not too keen on Born-the-first-time Christians.”
  • “My star sign is Pyrex. I was a test-tube baby.”
  • “Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.”
  • “I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright nooooooooow.”

Politically saying this “I’ve never liked nationalism in any of its guises. I’m not saying I’ve never agreed with independence. I think a Scottish republic is as good an idea as any I ever heard,” there is plenty of his stuff I have not seen… Difficult to experience all of a personalities personal history but that is just one more way to write and be motivated in something that I simply have not considered before.

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