Here lies some jokes that will make you laugh, giggle, LOL, entertained, amused, happy, satisfied, and more yo.
Dad: Say daddy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I’m home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Dad: Son of a bi1tch.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Daddy, what are those two spiders doing,” she asked? “They’re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top,” she asked? “A Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered. “So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs,” the little girl asked?
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, “No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs”.
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. “Well,” she said, “that may be OK in California, but we’re not having any of that crap here in Texas.”
Whats the difference between being hungry and being h*rny?
Where you put the cucumber.
A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.
He walks up to his wife with it and says, “This is the pig I’ve been f*cking’.”
His wife says, “That’s a duck.”
He quickly replies, “I wasn’t talking to you.”
I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face.
I don’t care if he doesn’t win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, “Come on My Face.”
What did the Left Nut say to the right nut?
Don’t talk to the guy in the middle he’s a d*ck!…..
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?…Ba-na-na-naaa!
What did the little fish say when he swam into a wall? DAM!
A guy’s driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs, but what he’s doing is he’s taking one pig at a time, holding him up, letting him eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting him down before picking up another pig and letting him eat an apple. So the guy pulls over and walks up to the farmer and he says, “Wouldn’t it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?” And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says, “What’s time to a pig?”
“If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CDs and burn them. Cause you know what? The musicians that made all that great music that’s enhanced your lives throughout the years? Real fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fuckin’ high they let Ringo sing a few songs.”
‘My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!’
‘I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When?’
‘Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.’
“Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?”
“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
‘Don’t learn from other people’s mistakes. That’s the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are f–king morons. Wrestling’s the number one show on cable television. You’re gonna learn from their mistakes?’
”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
A seal walks into a club…
I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.
Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”
Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife’s panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband’s dick hard, not his life…!
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
I went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it – it was a shihtzu.
Pararrel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.